My Stupid Songs

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Jables
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:05 am
Location: Pontyclun, South Wales, Land of Sheep Lovers and Drunks
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My Stupid Songs

Post by Jables » Tue Nov 10, 2015 11:05 pm

Basically, I write shitty folk songs that I can't play or sing well, no-one cares about them except maybe me and my friends.
That said, I put them places on the Internet sometimes in the hope that others find them sort of amusing.
Feel free to not bother looking at them, or if you want, read and roast them.

'Team C'

It's been a long hard week of not too much,
I want to get back to my friends and my social hub,
So we make our plans to all meet up,
Well there's fuck all else to do so let's go to the pub

I'll start off the evening with a tactical piss,
No booze in my system but somehow I miss,
Leaving the scene now I walk out the door,
Tell a passing stranger 'some stupid bastard's gone covered the floor'

As I make my way back, I spot the karaoke machine,
Now I'm loving life cos we all know what that means,
I'll get up and screech till everyones eardrums hurt,
And at some point I'll end up losing my shirt,

So we drink and we drink till the night slips away,
Trying to make memories good enough so this time they'll stay,

Make jokes so horrendous,
And we'll act so contrite,
Then our friends will repeat them the next Friday night,

And we'll laugh and we'll laugh,
Till we forget what we said,
But we'll keep these times with us until we are dead,

Try to impress all these girls that we don't really know,
Make them like us by putting on our tired old show,
Of recycled quips and tales of old,
That we repackage poorly as comedy gold,

So sit yourself down and drink your glass up,
It's the only thing to do cos we never had much luck,
We're the outcasts, the misfits so give a cheer or three,
Cos we've found our place and we are team C,

So four pints necked down and I can't help but feel,
That I've only just begun greasing my social wheels,
So I'll go to the bar and I'll get a few more,
If only to feel like less of a bore,

The one downside to this, is I'll think it's okay,
To come out with things I'd not soberly say,
And come morning I'll feel that familiar old shame,
But next Friday I know I'll do exactly the same,

And then I'll waste all my spare change,
On some bloody quiz machine,
Just to test my useless knowledge,
Of football teams and places I've never seen,

So sit yourself down and drink your glass up,
It's the only thing to do cos we never had much luck,
We're the outcasts, the misfits so give a cheer or three,
Cos we've found our place and we are team C,

So we drink and we drink till the night slips away,
Trying to make memories good enough so this time they'll stay,

But by the end we're just rambling,
And we're well past our peak,
But we know we'll do it all again
The same time next week.


'Fuck You Militant Vegans'

They don't eat meat and they hate you if you do,
Also not that fond of eating eggs and stuff too,
And anyone who disagrees, they bash like heathens,
Tumblr's being overrun by nasty, militant vegans,

They'll tell you it's not ethical to eat corned beef,
Then try and tempt you with a soggy old leaf,
This and all the exclamation marks they can click,
Thinking that they'll change your life but all they do is look like dicks,

So if ever I were to meet one,
I'd take the opportunity to have some fun,
And after they've finished trying to show me the way,
I've got a list of things I'd quite like to say,

All of that fibre from the celery you clutch,
Goes right though you, makes you shit too much,
So don't you go judging me, Mr Grumpy,
Your temper's just a symptom of an empty tummy,

There are far better ways to serve the planet,
Than to get all offended and eat like a rabbit,
...Damn it now I'm hungry for rabbit,

Animals eat animals and have done for years,
And it's only now that anyone sheds any tears,
Can't you see, it's the way that it was meant to be,
So I'll eat my steak while you go gnaw on a tree,

Now don't get me wrong,
I don't mind the quiet ones,
The only reason why I wrote this song,
Is all the ones that act like cunts,

The ones who call us murderers,
For having Sunday roast,
The ones who like to think that they're better than most,
So now my friends I'd like to raise a toast,

To sausages, and sirloins and smoked salmon,
To bacon and pork chops and a large slice of gammon,

So fuck you, you bastards who think you're all that,
Now be on your way, you lettuce munching twats.


'The Pointless Lament of a Total Cock'

I wanna see the world beyond my bedroom walls,
I wanna kiss that girl but I don't got the balls,
I wanna say what I think and never give a shit,
I wanna live like my life depends on it,

Things like these are always easy to say,
But it's harder than it seems to live by a cliché,
And when the moment comes to be a little bit brave,
I'll always end up sat down and playing it safe,

Maybe it's cos everything I try goes wrong,
Even the simple act of writing this song,
It's the same self loathing drivel I write all of the time,
And often I'll just put words in to make it rhyme,

(Chorus)
Just for once I wanna get it all right,
My hopes all die a death though try as I might,
But I won't give up no it won't get me down,
I'm the king of failing miserably and I want my crown,

Also as I may have mentioned before,
When try to talk to girls I'm a bit of a bore,
I need a dash of charisma and a dollop of flair,
Not to end the night alone in my underwear,

Cos I'm the cute one, the funny one,
But nothing worth remembering,
The stupid one, the drunk one,
The one that thinks that he can sing,

The crazy one, the lazy one,
The one she likes but not that way,
The nice one, but not that one,
The one who's always just okay,

(Chorus)
Just for once I wanna get it all right,
My hopes all die a death though try as I might,
But I won't give up no it won't get me down,
I'm the king of failing miserably and I want my crown,

I spend most nights alone,
Listening to songs about bony knees and radios,

And I never have too much to say, to people I've just met,
So I crawl back up inside my shell,
And become someone they'd like to forget,

(Chorus)
Just for once I wanna get it all right,
My hopes all die a death though try as I might,
But I won't give up no it won't get me down,
I'm the king of failing miserably and I want my crown,


This one is just plain stupid.
'Reasons Why I Can Be Trusted With a Girl'

I wish I had a girlfriend to wrap up in my arms,
But it seems I lack the social skills, the face and the charm,
I repel them like two same poles on a magnet,
It looks like laid is something that, I will never get,

I wanna quick fix like they have in the movies,
Meet a girl and fall in love and play with her boobies,
I really don't care if she's an A or a D cup,
As long as they've got nipples on 'em I don't give a fuck,

I'll tend to her every need and desire,
And in a metaphorical sense I'll set her loins on fire,
I'll even go down on her if she insists,
But I won't lick her clit cos it doesn't exist,

I promise I'll never to try and sell her on eBay,
To a Russian billionaire who's name I can't say,
I also promise not to blast her out of a cannon,
But if I fail with that, ah well accidents happen,

Just like if I shot her with horse tranquilliser,
But it'd be kinda funny and it sure would surprise her,
Like drawing an angry face on my dick,
Saying close your eyes and open wide cos I've got a trick,

So I wanna know why, oh why,
Am I alone every night,
What's it about the things I've said,
That fill you all with fright?

*Pretty sounding combination of chords and whatnot*

If we showered together it would be a hoot,
So I won't miss the plug hole and pee on her foot,
And so say we're having a romantic meal,
I won't drop trou and crank one out on the veal,

The same rule applies to her when she's asleep,
Cos I might be a maverick but I'm no creep,
This also means I won't cut off a lock of her hair,
And store it nice and safe in my underwear,

And if we ever find ourselves in a situation,
That involves racing hearts and deep penetration,
If all goes to plan we'll be sexual legends,
That is if I last over thirty seconds,
Which of course I will cos I'm a stallion...
A muthafuckin stallion,
Tell ya friends.

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marowak
Posts: 3524
Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2006 9:27 pm
Location: Lancing
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Re: My Stupid Songs

Post by marowak » Fri Nov 13, 2015 9:45 am

do you actually have them as 'songs' anywhere rather than lyrics?
06 06.3 08.8
07 04.4 11.5 17.5 08.6 10.11
08 28.3 21.04 13.6 06.7 06.9
09 11.1 06.2 21.4 10.10 29.10
10 23.3 16.7 12.12
11 12.2 12.5 30.5 27.11
12 13.4 28.11 28.12x2
13 10.1 24.6 11.7 12.7
14 12.2 13.2 14.9 17.12
15 29.1 02.2 13.8 7.11
16 10.12 12.12

User avatar
Jables
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Feb 13, 2012 1:05 am
Location: Pontyclun, South Wales, Land of Sheep Lovers and Drunks
Contact:

Re: My Stupid Songs

Post by Jables » Fri Nov 13, 2015 10:03 am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdXkpmGfDbg

It's not good, but as I said, I can neither play nor sing well.

I'll probably do some more when I have time.

Frederick
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:59 pm
Location: Austria

Re: My Stupid Songs

Post by Frederick » Mon Feb 15, 2016 9:10 pm

I think those lyrics are very, very good. Keep it up. :D

I would love to hear a recorded version of "Team C"
First Frank Turner show: Show #1822 @Graz, Austria
Random fact: Frank and I have the same birthday.

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