A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Rant and rave at will, that's why you're here, this is the internet after all

Moderators: marowak, Blonde, skhmmxi

Post Reply
ballandchain
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:53 am

A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by ballandchain » Mon Apr 21, 2014 12:47 pm

Hi all,

Big FT fan but never felt the need to register on the forum. However, I'm a little stuck and thought I'd seek some help. On Friday of this week I will be getting married in North Hampshire (though secretly, shh!), and as we won't be telling people, I am seeking a couple of witnesses and who better to ask than a bunch of people with good taste in music? So if you're available on Friday morning, and don't mind turning up to a wedding in a t-shirt and jeans (we don't give a damn, really), then let me know, you'll be doing us a great favour!

Evan
Posts: 1839
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 5:06 pm

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by Evan » Mon Apr 21, 2014 3:33 pm

I have to know why you aren't telling people. Please? Go on.
Beverley, Birmingham, Blackheath, Boston, Cheltenham, Dublin, Donington, Guildford, Hatfield, Hoboken, Knebworth, Latitude, Leamington Spa, London, Manchester, New York, Nottingham, Oxford, Reading, Sayreville, Sheffield, Southend, Wembley, Wolverhampton.

justdip
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2011 4:01 pm

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by justdip » Mon Apr 21, 2014 8:32 pm

This could be really awesome. I'd love to hear more though.

User avatar
Danlechief
Posts: 472
Joined: Mon Oct 28, 2013 9:19 am

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by Danlechief » Mon Apr 21, 2014 9:17 pm

Franks changed his username....
"Age is no object if you're in love.

Oh shit what have I just said?"

frank turner, Birmingham, 18th November 2015

ballandchain
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:53 am

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by ballandchain » Mon Apr 21, 2014 9:34 pm

Evan wrote:I have to know why you aren't telling people. Please? Go on.
It's the old classic of two young'uns in love who just want to spend their lives together. Also, we're expecting! We thought we'd announce the baby to parents, and when they've calmed down a bit after the initial shock of it all, we'd say "It's cool though, we're married so we're definitely in this together".

But we can only have 2 witnesses/attendees so it's difficult to pick who we'd want to come, and who we can trust with the information, hence why I'm here to try and entice strangers.

User avatar
Blonde
Posts: 2089
Joined: Mon Jan 19, 2009 10:19 pm
Location: Nottingham
Contact:

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by Blonde » Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:06 pm

So glad I'm not your parents.

User avatar
darlenet.
Posts: 755
Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:58 pm
Location: Gainesville, Florida USA

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by darlenet. » Tue Apr 22, 2014 3:58 am

ballandchain wrote:On Friday of this week I will be getting married in North Hampshire
Best wishes to you both! Though I must admit your user name indicates a bit of ambivalence.
shows? 90 so far...

skhmmxi
Posts: 409
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 6:31 pm
Location: London, UK

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by skhmmxi » Tue Apr 22, 2014 6:56 am

So, seeing as we're the only people you've told about this, I feel some sort of ethical duty to be the cold voice of reason, and I urge you to reconsider.

The shock your parents will experience on learning they have a grandchild on the way will not be mitigated by learning that you've also gotten married and cut them out of your plans. It will be compounded. Most likely they'll be heartbroken and they'll see it as a sign that you don't want them in your lives or the lives of their grandchild. There are many good reasons to get married in secret, this isn't one of them. Please think it over.

That said, if you decide to go ahead anyway, then I wish you all the best. Let us know how it goes.
218,278,284,419,500,533,558,617-620,710,718,970,980,1000,1143,1216,1303,1321,1384,1441,1464,1518,1527,1545,1595,1611,next:RAH 29/03

ballandchain
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 21, 2014 11:53 am

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by ballandchain » Tue Apr 22, 2014 8:33 am

darlenet. wrote:
Best wishes to you both! Though I must admit your user name indicates a bit of ambivalence.
It's just a bit of light-hearted humour, I wouldn't read too much in to it.
skhmmxi wrote:So, seeing as we're the only people you've told about this, I feel some sort of ethical duty to be the cold voice of reason, and I urge you to reconsider.
Skhmmxi, I don't believe our parents will feel like that, or at least not mine, I would want them to be a part of our lives as they've been great to me and I know they'd be fantastic to the next generation too. I will still go ahead with this, it's not all about the expected infant, we're very much sure of that, but I think I should probably reconsider the revealing process having read your post (my idea was only half-serious), and put this forward to the other half. Thank you for the advice, however.
Blonde wrote:So glad I'm not your parents.
And vice versa!

Evan
Posts: 1839
Joined: Thu Feb 24, 2011 5:06 pm

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by Evan » Tue Apr 22, 2014 8:47 am

I absolutely have to agree with Kenny here. I am guessing you are quite young, otherwise this wouldn't be a concern. But I have to say if my daughter did this then I would be distraught.

Although pregnancy is a massive, life-changing deal, I think you might be surprised at how supportive your folks will be. I mean, sure, they're going to hit the fucking roof, but that is to be expected. But you need to give them the opportunity to be there for you. Otherwise you run the risk of alienating them completely, which won't do you any favours in the long run. Personally, I would be so hurt by the deception that I don't know how I would recover from that.

Having a kid is hard work. But it is made easier by having people around that can support you. It's great that you love each other enough to want to commit to the rest of your lives together, but whether you realise it or not you are already doing that by deciding to have a baby together. My one and only bit of advice is to do everything you can to keep your folks on side, as I honestly believe they might surprise you. Whats done is done, and no one can change that. However, you have the opportunity to not make it worse. And getting married in secret is almost certainly going to have the opposite effect to which you believe it will.

But, you know, whatever you do - good luck. Being a parent is amazing.
Beverley, Birmingham, Blackheath, Boston, Cheltenham, Dublin, Donington, Guildford, Hatfield, Hoboken, Knebworth, Latitude, Leamington Spa, London, Manchester, New York, Nottingham, Oxford, Reading, Sayreville, Sheffield, Southend, Wembley, Wolverhampton.

User avatar
Blonde
Posts: 2089
Joined: Mon Jan 19, 2009 10:19 pm
Location: Nottingham
Contact:

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by Blonde » Tue Apr 22, 2014 12:12 pm

ballandchain wrote:
Blonde wrote:So glad I'm not your parents.
And vice versa!
Seriously though, you should listen to what we're saying. You are planning on giving your parents two massive shocks and disappointment that they've been deceived. If you're so determined to go ahead with the wedding on Friday, can you not tell them in advance and say you'd like them to attend if they can, but you'd understand if they can't or won't and that it is going to happen anyway with or without their blessing?

You say you want them to be a part of your lives and that they have treated you well, but your actions are saying the opposite of this.

One of my relations had their vows renewed and didn't tell their parents until afterwards. Their mum still isn't speaking to them, she is that hurt at being cut out. You are probably making things harder for yourself in the long term by keeping it a secret.

Good luck with the future, whatever decision you take.

User avatar
Leilalei
Posts: 109
Joined: Wed Aug 31, 2011 9:59 am

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by Leilalei » Wed Apr 23, 2014 9:15 am

Firstly, congratulations on the pregnancy.

Secondly, I agree with the others.

There is no need to rush into marriage just because you are expecting, the support you will probably recieve from your parents will astound you.

I would talk to your parents, tell them what is going on.
I know if either of my children felt they couldn't share these milestones of life with me I would be devestated.
If you still want to get married with no one there then fine, Im on the side of its your day, you do as YOU wish. But to rush it just to counter any objections seems a shame. Get the day that you both want.

13 yrs ago I fell pregnant at 19, only just moved into our own place, got a job etc (also in North Hampshire).
I didnt seek to tell people as I just didnt know how to say it/deal with other people's opinions on it, and I do think that that is probably one of the biggest things to get through, your defenses will be high, ready to counter any criticism you get (hence wanting to say you are married) I've had it all, very judgemental attitudes.
My parents however were very supportive, I was shocked at how laid back they were about it. Even now my mum is still a rock of support for us all.

I never did get married and I dont believe that had I got married my parenting would have been any better, but then I've never dreamed of a wedding or being married etc. (I'm not anti marriage at all, just for me)
My children have been raised in an environment that is so much better than some of the families I know where the parents are married, it does not improve your ability to parent. We wouldnt have done anything different if we were married.

Good luck.
Never put a sock in a toaster!

DaveHughes
Posts: 828
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2007 12:13 pm

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by DaveHughes » Mon Apr 28, 2014 3:17 pm

While, I'm not a father yet, I think that if my kids deprived me of seeing them getting married, I'd be heartbroken. It seem's a really selfish thing to do to the people who have raised you through all your life events up until that moment. And to share it instead with complete strangers from an internet message board? Ugh.

NikkiS
Posts: 47
Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 10:54 am

Re: A different, perhaps far-fetched, request

Post by NikkiS » Sat May 03, 2014 11:30 pm

Everyone has made very valid points, but I'm hoping you went ahead with your plans. Life's too short to live it for someone else, even if that someone else is the most amazing parent in the world. Live your life your way.

Good luck with your little one.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests