Thanks for sharing Bella. It is so weird, at first I was totally calm. We are still living together and trying to figure out what to do. I have treated him very well, with one exception, a terrible blow up last week. And he is actually baffled that I care about his well being at all. I still don't know if it will be possible to forgive and move on, but in the meantime it's actually kind of amusing to see him look at me like I'm from outer space every time I do something nice for him. But I told him that he is one of my oldest friends and I wanted this to be amicable.Bella wrote:He didn't get it at first - apparently when you catch the love of your life in bed with someone else you are supposed to scream, rant, rave, threaten, and then never speak to them again. About eighteen months after this he came for a visit (not the first, wasn't the last either) and told me that he finally understood what I meant. He was so sorry for not believing me at the time, he should have known better. It was a combination of things that made him realize ... the fact i never tried to kiss him or sleep with him after that, that I stayed in touch, that I helped him out with a few things, that I treated him as a person (rather than a cheating scumbag) just as I always had.
I don't know how a person knows if they are truly in love. When you've been married your entire adult life, you stop asking that question. You're just involved with life, and love or no love you're happy to have a partner to wade through the muck with and I think sometimes the partnership gets confused for love, so you just accept that as love. I don't know if I'm even capable of the storybook love that other people talk about. You say you fell "deeply in love" with the man that is your husband. You may have a superpower I don't. Capacity for trust. I am pretty sure I have an impenetrable wall around my heart (distrust that just knew this would probably happen one day) that will never allow what other people know as love. ...don't worry I'm considering counseling.
p.s. Thanks to Gleena and moonin for your thoughtful responses. I'm trying not to see my marriage as a huge waste, but it's hard to not think of the life I would have had if I'd been alone. Alone doesn't scare me as much as complacency.